DAVID KIRBY

DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT

When people say, “Don’t worry about it,” usually
that means worry about it. Rarely does it mean
“My dear fellow, don’t give it another thought,
you’ve far more important matters to tend to”
because what they’re really saying is, “You’re
going to regret having done this for the rest
of your miserable life, but for the moment,
I want you to smile and bring me another
vodka gimlet and maybe a couple of those
baloney rollups over there on the sideboard.”
In 1983, the Soviet nuclear early warning system
reported that four U.S. missiles were heading
toward Moscow. Did Stanislav Petrov,
who was on duty at the command center
that day, worry about those missiles? Nyet!
Petrov figured that nobody would send
a measly four missiles to a country the size
of Russia so didn’t say anything to anybody
and thus prevented a retaliatory strike
resulting in a full-scale nuclear war;
later, an investigation revealed that the early
warning system had indeed malfunctioned.
Hey—Bachman-Turner Overdrive, right?
Man took care of business instead of fretting.
See what happens when you don’t fret?
My student bought what she thought was
an emotional support dog, but it turned out
to be a special needs dog instead. She didn’t
fret, either. Instead, she ended up caring
for the dog and coaxing it back to a state
of canine happiness which had the effect
of bringing her (the student) out of herself
and in that way supplied the emotional support
she was looking for in the first place. Men,
if you’re ugly and smell bad, don’t worry.
It’s true that studies say women find
the vast majority of you unattractive,
but that’s no reason for you to give up,
plop your fat ass down and start to fart
a new hole in the couch cushion as you
tune in to the NASCAR channel and order
more pizza. Men, you should actually take
comfort in the fact that most of you are
unattractive to women, because what that
means is that Ms. Right’s yen for you
is going to be more than skin deep. Don’t
worry, be happy. Your anxieties are lying
to you! If you are kind, can talk about books
and movies instead of NASCAR and what
cheap beer is the best, are savvy enough
to get a bi-weekly pay check and strong
enough to twist the lid off a pickle jar,
she’ll see you for who you really are.
Look at you! No way you can fail.
Why, you’re like Colonel Creighton Abrams,
who, when he realized during the Battle
of Bastogne that his troops were outnumbered
by an enemy force just a few kilometers away,
said, told his guys, “Those Germans
have us surrounded, the poor bastards.”

THREE MARTINIS

David Kirby’s latest books are a poetry collection, The Winter Dance Party: Poems 1983-2023, and a textbook modestly entitled The Knowledge: Where Poems Come From and How to Write Them. Entertainment Weekly has called Kirby’s poetry one of “5 Reasons to Live,”